Before I begin this post I have to give a shoutout to my LapBandTalk chatroom buds- it is through our sometimes crazy, truthful & inspiring conversations that I pull most of the ideas for my blog. In fact it was them, who gave me the idea to start the blog in the first place. So thank you! And for everyone else, join the convo, always a good time!
Onto the post..... The other day a fellow pre-bandster (or in the early stages can't remember, my bad) mentioned how she felt she was in a rush to start dating someone, because she wouldn't want to date guys postop (after sig WL). Sounds ridiculous, right? I thought so. My first reaction was, you are def a nut job! But then she went on to say, that postop she would always think "Why should I date you now? You wouldn't have liked me when I was fat". Only then did I realize, shit, I'm a nut job too!
While I'm not skinny, I'm not obese either. I'm at that point where guys start taking interest. YAY! Not. I've been on a few dates over the years (since my surgery), like 4 and well I've always ended after the 1st date. 3/4 guys were skinny (I'll leave the obese 1 out of it, I'm gonna dedicate an entire post to him, yes it was that bad...). When I was first approached by each of these men, every single time, I thought to myself, why should I date you, you wouldn't have liked me when I was fat. Your only asking me out now cause I'm thinner.
On the other hand, what if he did want to date me when I was fat? CHUBBY CHASER ALERT! Total red flag, stop right there, no thank you! There is no way in hell, a skinny man would want to date an obese women, why would he? Chances are slim to none that he is 1 of those, 1 in a million who can look past the physical (I write this from my own perspective, a womans, but ladies we are just as bad!), rather he probably has a "thing" for big girls, which I find repulsive! This is one of the main reasons that I didn't actually go on my first date until I dropped 100lbs....... (and I was young, don't give me that pathetic look, I was only 16 when I had surgery)
So have I moved on? Or am I still stuck in a "rut".... Well sorta both. I realize that sometimes when questioning why a guy would ever want to date me, is partly just those old feelings of inadequacy. I'm still working on the self-confidence part, yes even 4.5 yrs later. I'm not sure they ever leave? But as I go through this chapter of my life, as a "normal" person who "fits in" society, everyday I continue to rebuild my shattered confidence and need to remind myself that I am TOTALLY worth dating! As for the "he wouldn't want to date me when I was fat", I've come to recognize that I still identify with the "former" me. I don't make fun of me, preop and am offended when others mock the former, larger me. Why? Because I am still the same person inside, just had more layers. But I do understand that attraction plays a huge part in a relationship, and it's not fair to expect my partner to be attracted to the former me, because society had ingrained in us, that fat is ugly. But I do expect (and will only date) if they know about my surgery, have seen photos of me preop, understand that obesity is a disease (not laziness!) and that WLS is not a cop-out. If they can sympathize with that, well then for me their golden.
To my readers: I was super excited to share my thoughts on this and I hope that by doing so I have helped my friend & anyone else struggling with this. But I would LOVE to hear others thoughts/opinions on this. Do you agree, differen't perspective, or am I just a nut job? Leave a comment, tweet, blog a response, lets start a convo
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Revised, Revision, Faliure?
Remember how I said (in the About The Bandit) section, that alot of things go unsaid? Well this post is one of them. And I'm about to say it: Revision (and by that, I do not mean changing from LB->RYN or vice versa or sleeve. I mean revision due to complications) . I feel like those who are ultimately successful tend to "hush" the fact that they ever slipped or had a port leak or something. They just flew through the journey like a walk in the park. While many do, some do have complications and they need to speak up! I'm one of them. There I said it! Ahh liberated? Not really. I tell other bandsters all the time. And yes even the new patient pre-ops I sometimes meet in my surgeons office. Why? Because they have a right to know. So if it happens to them, they don't feel alone, like a failure. And that I did not make it (semi?) on my journey with ease. Remember the band (like all the surgeries) is a tool and nothing more. A tool that can occasionally break down and need a quick patch up. This is reality. I promise i'm not trying to scare anyone away, but it should be spoken about. Why? Keep reading:
After a 1.5 yrs of being successful with the band and dropping a mere (note the sarcastic tone) 100lbs and feeling great, I started having symptoms. Bad symptoms. The type of symptoms where you know something is wrong, wrong with the band, yet you refuse to go get checked out for fear of loosing it. That was me for almost 3 months, before I finally caved and went to see the surgeon.
Side note: If there is 1 thing I learned from my band journey so far, if something doesn't feel right, go see your doctor ASAP! Don't be like me and resist till the symptoms have gotten terribly worse. Don't fear loosing your band. I did. A lot. I still do. Even now when something is bothering me, I have do a reality check. If I am questioning anything, I force myself to go see the doctor. While I luckily have been able to get revisions and still have my band, I know there is always a chance I may loose it one day. But I won't be stranded, left out in the "desert" to die of hunger, of obesity. How do I know? Because I have a support team. My surgeon, the medical staff. If 1 day I had some sort of complication that required permanent removal of my band (quick gasp!), he would of course perform an alternative WLS. Of course not my 1st choice the band, but something. And if that day ever came, I know that if it needs to come out, there is good reason. Now I go back even if I question something wrong with the band. I say it like it is, nothing hidden. For the most part, my dr listens, and reassures me- everythings ok.
Back to what happened. So I went to my surgeon and told him how at night I had been vomiting in my sleep (yes, gross I know). He sent me immediately for an espohgram, which is where I learned that I had severely slipped the band. So revised I was.
That was back in 07. Flash forward to this past August 2010. Where I suddenly found myself gaining weight...rapidly. So I went in for an adjustment. I should mention that although I had restriction, I found that old demon, the hunger returning. So much so, that I was eating so much, I frequently vomited. When I mentioned this to my Dr, again I was sent to get an esphogram. Turns out my esophagus was dilated (big surprise with all the vomiting I was doing). So instead of the fill I had come in for, I got completely emptied out. Frustrated, yes. Angry, yes. Hungry, HELL YES! Over the next 5 months I went in as often as I could to get filled. While my restriction was coming back, the hunger never left. With that, I gained about 40lbs by Dec. Embarrassed by my weight gain, I started feeling that old resistance to see the dr come back. I gave in for about 2 weeks, deeming myself a complete lap band failure, an embarrassment to myself, to my family, to my support team.
Unable to button my winter jacket, fit into my jeans and the sudden emergence of family comments/weight jokes, I found that old feeling come back-depression. I needed help and in order to get it I would have to face my support team, as the failure I was. I made the call & got an appt ASAP. When I went to see my Dr, I came to a realization. He, nor any of my support team members had ever made me feel bad about my weight, not when I walked in as a 16 yo kid weighing 300lbs and not after gaining 40lbs. If anything they do they opposite and give me resilience. After calling me into the exam room, he looked at me and without looking at the chart or asking me to get on the scale he simply asked "What's going on"? I explained how although i'm getting fills my hunger is increasing even with the restriction. With that he sent me for yet again another esphogram (yes radiology knows me on a 1st name basis). 1 look at it and I was directly admitted to the hospital. Turns out, I had freak scar tissue form on the band and malposition it. I wasn't a failure!! There was a reason for my weight gain. If anything my only failure was not going back sooner.
wks ago have been feeling/doing FANTASTIC! Moral of the story? Complications happen, the band is a medical device, shit happens. If and when it happens to you or even if you just find yourself gaining weight, don't be embarrassed. You have a disease-obesity. Your support team knows this. DON'T be embarrassed to see them, they are only there to help, not judge. And finally you are not a FAILURE. Shit happens. To all of us.
Info on my band
I now have the AP (advanced platform) band made by Allergan. I am not sure if I have the 10 or 14cc, will update once I find out.
After a 1.5 yrs of being successful with the band and dropping a mere (note the sarcastic tone) 100lbs and feeling great, I started having symptoms. Bad symptoms. The type of symptoms where you know something is wrong, wrong with the band, yet you refuse to go get checked out for fear of loosing it. That was me for almost 3 months, before I finally caved and went to see the surgeon.
Side note: If there is 1 thing I learned from my band journey so far, if something doesn't feel right, go see your doctor ASAP! Don't be like me and resist till the symptoms have gotten terribly worse. Don't fear loosing your band. I did. A lot. I still do. Even now when something is bothering me, I have do a reality check. If I am questioning anything, I force myself to go see the doctor. While I luckily have been able to get revisions and still have my band, I know there is always a chance I may loose it one day. But I won't be stranded, left out in the "desert" to die of hunger, of obesity. How do I know? Because I have a support team. My surgeon, the medical staff. If 1 day I had some sort of complication that required permanent removal of my band (quick gasp!), he would of course perform an alternative WLS. Of course not my 1st choice the band, but something. And if that day ever came, I know that if it needs to come out, there is good reason. Now I go back even if I question something wrong with the band. I say it like it is, nothing hidden. For the most part, my dr listens, and reassures me- everythings ok.
Back to what happened. So I went to my surgeon and told him how at night I had been vomiting in my sleep (yes, gross I know). He sent me immediately for an espohgram, which is where I learned that I had severely slipped the band. So revised I was.
That was back in 07. Flash forward to this past August 2010. Where I suddenly found myself gaining weight...rapidly. So I went in for an adjustment. I should mention that although I had restriction, I found that old demon, the hunger returning. So much so, that I was eating so much, I frequently vomited. When I mentioned this to my Dr, again I was sent to get an esphogram. Turns out my esophagus was dilated (big surprise with all the vomiting I was doing). So instead of the fill I had come in for, I got completely emptied out. Frustrated, yes. Angry, yes. Hungry, HELL YES! Over the next 5 months I went in as often as I could to get filled. While my restriction was coming back, the hunger never left. With that, I gained about 40lbs by Dec. Embarrassed by my weight gain, I started feeling that old resistance to see the dr come back. I gave in for about 2 weeks, deeming myself a complete lap band failure, an embarrassment to myself, to my family, to my support team.
Unable to button my winter jacket, fit into my jeans and the sudden emergence of family comments/weight jokes, I found that old feeling come back-depression. I needed help and in order to get it I would have to face my support team, as the failure I was. I made the call & got an appt ASAP. When I went to see my Dr, I came to a realization. He, nor any of my support team members had ever made me feel bad about my weight, not when I walked in as a 16 yo kid weighing 300lbs and not after gaining 40lbs. If anything they do they opposite and give me resilience. After calling me into the exam room, he looked at me and without looking at the chart or asking me to get on the scale he simply asked "What's going on"? I explained how although i'm getting fills my hunger is increasing even with the restriction. With that he sent me for yet again another esphogram (yes radiology knows me on a 1st name basis). 1 look at it and I was directly admitted to the hospital. Turns out, I had freak scar tissue form on the band and malposition it. I wasn't a failure!! There was a reason for my weight gain. If anything my only failure was not going back sooner.
wks ago have been feeling/doing FANTASTIC! Moral of the story? Complications happen, the band is a medical device, shit happens. If and when it happens to you or even if you just find yourself gaining weight, don't be embarrassed. You have a disease-obesity. Your support team knows this. DON'T be embarrassed to see them, they are only there to help, not judge. And finally you are not a FAILURE. Shit happens. To all of us.
Info on my band
I now have the AP (advanced platform) band made by Allergan. I am not sure if I have the 10 or 14cc, will update once I find out.
Friday, January 21, 2011
04/08/07
No that's not my birthday (though I'm thinking of legally changing it to then), but it is the day that changed my life. That day at approximately 10am I was wheeled into the OR and given my Lap Band.
For us post-ops it's a day we'll never forget and for the pre-ops a lifelong fantasy, an internal yearning, a glimmer of hope, soon to be reality (I promise, I know the wait is hard). In 2007, on that day I was a 300lb 16 yo kid, with a dream- to be me.
Let me define "me" for you: Me never wanted to be skinny (I still don't and am not) or thin. Just acceptable. My only hopes were that I would improve my health (at 16 I had a fatty liver, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic, depression, PCOS, Asthma, raging crohns disease & severe joint pain) and fit in with the rest of the "kids". I wanted the daily torture to stop. All the name calling, harassment and mental pain I suffered to STOP! I wanted to be able to walk around the mall with my friends without being winded, to ride the roller coasters at 6 flags, to fly to see my grandmother, to sit in a booth at a restaurant and to fit in a movie theater seat. That's it. That was pretty much all I wanted. Simple, I wanted to live.
I will be honest, I wasn't even scared. Yep. A 300lb 16 yo kid was wheeled into surgery with a smile on her face. Can you believe it? Guess what? I woke up with one too :} I smiled because I knew this would somehow be different then all the years of embarrassing visits to the doctor, nutritionist, weight watchers, endocrinologist etc.. that I had endured. And not just because I had a doctor (*see below for info) who for the first time didn't make me feel ashamed of my weight, instead he understood. But because I knew, this HAD to work.
While my decision to have the Lap Band ultimately came down to I rather die trying than live like this, besides I'll eat myself to death anyways (literally). And I knew it would restrict my food intake, what I didn't realize and maybe at that point was to young to grasp during the info session, is that it actually stops the HUNGER; the monster, the driving force, the thought consuming machine, the beast, the devil, the obesity.
Without the hunger & restriction, I managed to drop 105 lbs in just about a year. So at 18 years old I weighed just around 200lbs.
Unlike others, I never had a goal weight. Like I said my only goal was to be ME. At 200lbs I was able to do everything I had wanted and my health had dramatically improved. Despite still being "obese"/plus size, I was happy with my body and no longer an outcast from society. So 200lbs (with a 5lb give or take depending on the time of the yr) was where I remained until recently.
**there are multiple surgeons in his practice (Dr. Ren & Dr. Schwack). I've meet both and would also recommend either.
For us post-ops it's a day we'll never forget and for the pre-ops a lifelong fantasy, an internal yearning, a glimmer of hope, soon to be reality (I promise, I know the wait is hard). In 2007, on that day I was a 300lb 16 yo kid, with a dream- to be me.
Let me define "me" for you: Me never wanted to be skinny (I still don't and am not) or thin. Just acceptable. My only hopes were that I would improve my health (at 16 I had a fatty liver, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic, depression, PCOS, Asthma, raging crohns disease & severe joint pain) and fit in with the rest of the "kids". I wanted the daily torture to stop. All the name calling, harassment and mental pain I suffered to STOP! I wanted to be able to walk around the mall with my friends without being winded, to ride the roller coasters at 6 flags, to fly to see my grandmother, to sit in a booth at a restaurant and to fit in a movie theater seat. That's it. That was pretty much all I wanted. Simple, I wanted to live.
I will be honest, I wasn't even scared. Yep. A 300lb 16 yo kid was wheeled into surgery with a smile on her face. Can you believe it? Guess what? I woke up with one too :} I smiled because I knew this would somehow be different then all the years of embarrassing visits to the doctor, nutritionist, weight watchers, endocrinologist etc.. that I had endured. And not just because I had a doctor (*see below for info) who for the first time didn't make me feel ashamed of my weight, instead he understood. But because I knew, this HAD to work.
While my decision to have the Lap Band ultimately came down to I rather die trying than live like this, besides I'll eat myself to death anyways (literally). And I knew it would restrict my food intake, what I didn't realize and maybe at that point was to young to grasp during the info session, is that it actually stops the HUNGER; the monster, the driving force, the thought consuming machine, the beast, the devil, the obesity.
Without the hunger & restriction, I managed to drop 105 lbs in just about a year. So at 18 years old I weighed just around 200lbs.
Unlike others, I never had a goal weight. Like I said my only goal was to be ME. At 200lbs I was able to do everything I had wanted and my health had dramatically improved. Despite still being "obese"/plus size, I was happy with my body and no longer an outcast from society. So 200lbs (with a 5lb give or take depending on the time of the yr) was where I remained until recently.
Information on my band:
In 2007 I was given the 10 cc Vanguad (VG) band. Manufactured by at the time Inamed (now Allergen).Information on my surgeon (highly recommended!):
Dr. George Fielding at the NYU WLS practice in NYC. Dr. Fielding was also banded himself and is a internationally acclaimed pioneer in the Lap Band. An Aussie with a kick ass attitude, I trust my life in his hands. Link to the practice page & an article he wrote that I LOVE "Everybody Dreams" Everybody Dreams**there are multiple surgeons in his practice (Dr. Ren & Dr. Schwack). I've meet both and would also recommend either.
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