Before I begin this post I have to give a shoutout to my LapBandTalk chatroom buds- it is through our sometimes crazy, truthful & inspiring conversations that I pull most of the ideas for my blog. In fact it was them, who gave me the idea to start the blog in the first place. So thank you! And for everyone else, join the convo, always a good time!
Onto the post..... The other day a fellow pre-bandster (or in the early stages can't remember, my bad) mentioned how she felt she was in a rush to start dating someone, because she wouldn't want to date guys postop (after sig WL). Sounds ridiculous, right? I thought so. My first reaction was, you are def a nut job! But then she went on to say, that postop she would always think "Why should I date you now? You wouldn't have liked me when I was fat". Only then did I realize, shit, I'm a nut job too!
While I'm not skinny, I'm not obese either. I'm at that point where guys start taking interest. YAY! Not. I've been on a few dates over the years (since my surgery), like 4 and well I've always ended after the 1st date. 3/4 guys were skinny (I'll leave the obese 1 out of it, I'm gonna dedicate an entire post to him, yes it was that bad...). When I was first approached by each of these men, every single time, I thought to myself, why should I date you, you wouldn't have liked me when I was fat. Your only asking me out now cause I'm thinner.
On the other hand, what if he did want to date me when I was fat? CHUBBY CHASER ALERT! Total red flag, stop right there, no thank you! There is no way in hell, a skinny man would want to date an obese women, why would he? Chances are slim to none that he is 1 of those, 1 in a million who can look past the physical (I write this from my own perspective, a womans, but ladies we are just as bad!), rather he probably has a "thing" for big girls, which I find repulsive! This is one of the main reasons that I didn't actually go on my first date until I dropped 100lbs....... (and I was young, don't give me that pathetic look, I was only 16 when I had surgery)
So have I moved on? Or am I still stuck in a "rut".... Well sorta both. I realize that sometimes when questioning why a guy would ever want to date me, is partly just those old feelings of inadequacy. I'm still working on the self-confidence part, yes even 4.5 yrs later. I'm not sure they ever leave? But as I go through this chapter of my life, as a "normal" person who "fits in" society, everyday I continue to rebuild my shattered confidence and need to remind myself that I am TOTALLY worth dating! As for the "he wouldn't want to date me when I was fat", I've come to recognize that I still identify with the "former" me. I don't make fun of me, preop and am offended when others mock the former, larger me. Why? Because I am still the same person inside, just had more layers. But I do understand that attraction plays a huge part in a relationship, and it's not fair to expect my partner to be attracted to the former me, because society had ingrained in us, that fat is ugly. But I do expect (and will only date) if they know about my surgery, have seen photos of me preop, understand that obesity is a disease (not laziness!) and that WLS is not a cop-out. If they can sympathize with that, well then for me their golden.
To my readers: I was super excited to share my thoughts on this and I hope that by doing so I have helped my friend & anyone else struggling with this. But I would LOVE to hear others thoughts/opinions on this. Do you agree, differen't perspective, or am I just a nut job? Leave a comment, tweet, blog a response, lets start a convo
Maybe I married that one in a million man! He has loved me through thick and (almost) thin. He has loved me for ME. I have never doubted that he loved me for my confidence, my intelligence, my humor.... My husband went on a blind date with me 15 years ago when I was not thin, but honestly I probly was in denial about that, haha. My denial helped me to maintain that confident nature about me that was attractive to my husband. His attraction to me is so much more than my weight or jean size. Perhaps the men that are "willing" to date you after losing 100lbs are more willing to spend time with you because you appear more confident, more radiant, and might appear to have less "baggage" than the you that was bigger?
ReplyDeleteI've been dating my fiance since I was really obese, so I can't really comment on the dating part of the post (as far as mindset when dating post-band), but I know that its comforting to me that my fiance has loved me when I was at my heaviest weight and he still loves me now that I'm losing weight.
ReplyDeleteThere are some gems out there - you just have to be patient until yours comes along :) (and trust me, I never thought I'd be dating, much less engaged, to the most amazing man in the world)
Lisa- Very good & TRUTHFUL point! Your right looks are mostly secondary to self-confidence. Thanks for that reminder. Postop I am MUCH more confident then preop, but still working on demons from the past.
ReplyDeleteViolinist- Thank you! I think your fiance is a FANTASTIC guy :}